my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
