Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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