So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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