I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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