Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
