So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
