im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Randomize
