why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
