Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
