i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just had sex bonerless
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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