Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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