I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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