The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
