textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
