I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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