You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
