i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
