I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
