what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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