How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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