My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
