matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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