I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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