Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
