would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
