I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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