sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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