I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
