one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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