On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I party with great urgency now.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
