I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
