i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
