I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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