see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
