Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
