I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
