is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dignity is for republicans.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
