Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
