I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
