so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
