I just made out with a guy for $7.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
