my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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