He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
