census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
This toilet bowl is my home.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
