our cab driver is having phone sex.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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