Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
