**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
