oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
