Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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