dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
