walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
