Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
